Oh, what the hell!

Life is what you make of it but if you’re not in the driving seat, it takes the route of its own. Even though the route is beautiful and the destination where you are headed looks good, it’s not fun. Why the heck it’s not fun. It should be fun because no matter whether you’re driving or not, you’re going in the right direction so what’s the crying about? Well, I don’t know.

It’s not about the control. It never was and it never will be. It’s about the constant second-guessing that I’ve come to experience not just at the work but in my own personal life too. It’s the psychological dependence that has rusted my own brains for the worse. It’s the one thing that every human being takes for granted. It’s the freaking Decision Making. It’s become the hardest thing for me. The way I have lived in the past decade of my life, I am not the same person I could have been. I am just a dark shadow of the people around me which I am quite honestly not a big fan of.

As per the concept of the time, I am not going to grow young and my brain and my body is not going to function like how it used to 10 years ago so what’s done is done. It’s not that bad either because I wouldn’t be a successful person in the eyes of the world had I not chosen this path but mentally, I am not at peace with myself.

There are people who look up to me but I in-fact dread my own being. It’s true.

When I see myself in the mirror, I get distracted by my growing belly size but once I overlook it, I see myself and I don’t respect myself as much as I should have after getting where I am and that’s maybe because I don’t have the feeling that I’ve done it all by myself.

The last time I took a big decision all by myself is 10 years ago. After that, my every decision is a discussion. A discussion where I feel I am not sensible enough to decide. A discussion that I feel is taking away my self-confidence. A discussion that irks me to a great extent.

I now feel that every decision that I make needs to be thought through in a way that’s foolproof of any mistake but I was not always like that. I was the one who used to decide things in a snap. I liked what I liked and I did what I felt right and I was living in the moment. The best decisions of my life happened when I went with the flow. So, that’s how I want to live the rest of my life.

Imagine, you go on a drive and for every gear shift, you have to ask someone whether it’s okay to do it or not, how would you feel? Will you enjoy your ride? Think about it.

I used to love it when I heard it that do what you love and you’ll be successful. Well, it’s true as it stands but what if you started hating what you used to love? What’s the motivational quote for this sort of situation? ANYONE? PLEASE?

This situation for me is unsettling. I am happy for the things that are there but I am not motivated enough to keep doing this and be in the same cycle for the rest of my life.

So, what do I do?

Let go or just keep doing it after a solid loud shout of ‘oh, what the hell?’