Rejection
I haven’t been really very happy since past one year or more, to say the least. And now, writing this post on a Mac, rocking an iPhone 6s and having a salary most people dream of, I am even less happy.
There are many reasons that make me feel that way, best of all is that I have been rejected just too many times, and it makes me feel really really bad.
It’s not that I don’t put in efforts and don’t even try, I do. Trust me, I do. But somehow, it all ends up in vain.
I just don’t want to try anymore. I am gonna accept whatever comes my way. I had enough with everything. I so want to die right now because I am as pissed as anyone can ever be, but I won’t. I can’t even share this frustration with anyone, which is worse.
Everyone has that one special person in their life with whom they can share every little thing. I am kind of missing that person right now. It’s like everything is falling apart, and I am loosing Big time! Of course, I have my family who are the most supporting kind one can ever have, but still I can’t really share everything with them.
It becomes really frustrating when you have a lot of questions in your head, and it’s no one you can ask or even talk to. In situations like these, I often write which is pretty much what’s happening right now.
This article might not make much sense once I complete it because it’s just random thoughts bombarded over a white screen in a hope that I’ll be able to sleep with peace after getting it all out.
It sure as hell makes me vulnerable because I hardly let people know the actual me, and always have a shield that hides my emotions. However, as a matter of fact, no one actually cares how I feel inside because as I mentioned already, people usually reject me.
If I had to explain you how my day went in the office today, it was miserable. I didn’t work at all. I just played music in my earphones, heard all the songs that I liked, cried in the bathroom, went upstairs and listened to more songs on the terrace, had a thought of jumping down and killing myself, but it was just a thought. I was feeling hungry too, but I didn’t want to eat. I played with those empty beer bottles, and checked the price of that imported whiskey bottle. I had zero people to talk to. It was just music and me, and even though I didn’t want to, I cried.
Of all the things in my head, I miss my family, my home and my mom, dad and sister. I am missing them a lot today. It’s been more than 2 months I am away from home, though it ain’t much but keeping what’s happening inside of my head, it’s a lot. I want peace, I want things to work, I too deserve everything but as unfair as it might seem to me, it’s all fair in the eyes of lord.
Life has its own way of balancing things. May be I don’t deserve attention of some people, may be I don’t deserve a best friend, may be I don’t deserve peace, may be I don’t deserve the fun that every friend of mine is having in their lives. May be I just deserve ignorance and rejection.
Today, I have a really strong feeling of quitting everything and going some random place. But the idea is too scary to even think about. Because what I am doing is all I know and there’s nothing else I can do better than this.
No matter how bad am I feeling today, it’s all gonna get better when I wake up the next day. This is what I tell to my heart, to put it to sleep.
And now, with Scars by James Bay playing in my earphone I am gonna go to sleep. Even though I know it’ll take hours for me to finally fall asleep but I’ll try. Try, it’s all I have been doing since a lot of time now and it’s all I know and it’s all I believe in, because in a movie one really wise men told, ‘Hope is a good thing’. And I trust him!
